The Big Day: Bye-Bye, Coffee Virginity

I've been agonizing over this for DAYS now.  I have read Yelp reviews on all the coffee roasters within a 5 mile radius of my apartment.  I have read the Coffee FAQ from start to finish.  I've read reviews of different espresso blends, different brewing methods, explanations of the different growing regions of the world and how different roast levels affect the flavor...I probably know more about coffee at this point than many people who've been drinking it their whole lives.  I've solicited guidance from my friends on facebook and from my fellow Seattle Yelpers.  I am, to put it lightly, EXTREMELY over-prepared for my first time.


And that's a problem.  I've put so much thought into this and built it up that I just couldn't bring myself to walk into a coffee shop and place an order.  I tried to psyche myself up into it, and went on a walk around Seattle to take a look at all of the highest-rated coffee shops—Espresso Vivace, Caffe Vita, Victrola Coffee Roasting, Tougo Coffee, Seattle Coffee Works, Stumptown, etc.—and COULD NOT convince myself to walk through the doors.  To keep with the "virginity" analogy, it's like reading the Kama Sutra, buying silk sheets, lighting scented candles, putting on Barry White, setting out a bowl full of assorted condoms and lubricants, and then inviting your date over.  Sometimes over-preparation is the worst mood-killer.

So, go figure my first taste of coffee didn't turn out to be a perfectly-pulled shot of espresso from Vivace.  Nope, it was a thimble-sized shot of Chameleon Cold-Brew that I snuck from the bottle my roommate keeps in the fridge, diluted 50/50 with a bit of boiling water.  The coffee equivalent of getting drunk at a college party and getting dragged into the bathroom for a sloppy and awkward fuck by someone from out-of-state who doesn't even want to know your name.

Shh...it'll be our little secret.

My first thought after the first sip: "hmm, I just drank coffee, and the world didn't end.  How about that?"

My second thought: "this doesn't taste like it smells, let alone what I was expecting.  Thin, a little acidic, and...mostly a taste of burnt wood?"

Yeah, to put it lightly, I felt like my first taste of coffee was about as anticlimactic as it possibly could have been.  Weak, thin, watery, and mostly just that taste of burnt wood.  Kind of smoky.  Not entirely unlike a weak puerh mixed with some lapsang souchong (pine-smoked black tea).  Not at all like what I smelled wafting out of the cup.  Pretty much unremarkable.  Which, I guess, is about right for the sexual analogy made above (which is not wholly unlike how I lost my virginity—in the shower, at a friend's house, lasted all of about 15 seconds): when you're doing something just to "get it over with", you can't really expect much enjoyment to come from the situation.

But hey, now that that's done with, I think I can actually muster the courage to walk into a coffee shop and order something that should be enjoyable.  Time to take a walk!